Samantha Grams, Volleyball
Name: Samantha Grams
Hometown: Forest Park, Ill.
Sport: Volleyball
Level: Collegiate
Retirement: 2013
Current Occupation: Physical Therapist & Coach
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Samantha Grams played division I collegiate volleyball but her career was severely impacted by injuries. She struggled with her recovery in between injuries and this affected her mental health, especially her confidence. With her identity tied to her sport, her self-worth was affected and she let her pain and injury defined her for many years afterwards. Eventually this drove her to become a PT, start her own clinic and help athletes with physical care and mental health.
So tell us a bit about your volleyball career.
Playing sports at the next level had been a dream of mine since I was a kid. The moment it became apparent I could realize this dream, I was so excited and it got me really motivated. I worked hard to make it happens. This made my athlete identity SOAR! If you asked me, I would immediately identify myself as an athlete. I loved being a part of a team. It gave me, a very shy kid, a sense of being and belonging like nothing else. This is also the space where I pretty much met every good friend I've ever had.
Did you have any obstacles during your career?
My first big obstacle came my senior year of high school when I tore my ACL. This injury made me miss the entire season. I was still lucky enough to go on to play at the next level. I played Division 1 college volleyball at NYU. But I started my career with continued issues. There were a number of factors which impacted my recovery: insurance restrictions, poor guidance, poor recovery. Rehab didn't go so well. All of this really impacted my confidence. Prior to my injury, I was very confident but I lost that after it. Luckily, once in college, I worked my butt off with trainers and finally got my level of play and my confidence up again! I was ready! SO PUMPED. Finally I felt like I could do what I came to college to do - play volleyball and compete for a starting spot.
So what happened next? How was your first collegiate season?
All these feelings of excitement and motivation were put to a quick stop when I tore my second ACL. At this point I was devastated. I had worked so hard just for this to happen? But I was still determined to come back and compete. Unfortunately I struggled with recovery again. This time probably held back by mental struggles more than anything else. I was scared I would hurt myself again, I felt lost, and I felt disappointed and mad at myself. But I hid all these feelings and let them brew which led me to isolate myself and not let anyone know how much I was struggling. From all this came even more physical pain. I was constantly in pain and my confidence was gone. This also affected my play. I was not playing at the level I knew I could and the level I wanted to. I never got the chance to show people what I could do. I felt like I was the only one who knew what kind of athlete I was. My self-worth was so tied in with my athletic identity that this led me to feel like a failure. Finally, I was able to come back for my senior year. I changed position and was able to contribute inconsistently on the court for my team.
When did you retire? Did you stop playing after college?
Ending my career feeling like a failure led me to carry much of this into my next career. Even though I had a great post college plan, I was accepted to PT school and got a GA position as a volleyball ops person, I was struggling. For the longest time I mostly focused on my physical struggles. I was still in constant pain in both knees, I couldn't extend my back without sharp pain, I had awful plantar fasciitis that had been constant and significantly painful for over a year. But the worst thing was the mental struggles. I was completely unaware of it at the time because I was still burying most of them deep inside me. I held onto this athlete identity and felt that I had nothing to show for and I still felt like a failure. I still wanted to prove that I was a good athlete and if I couldn't, I would use my pain as a crutch.
So what changed?
Finally, in my first post-PT school job I was exposed to some incredible clinicians and incredible people who helped me overcome so much, including my physical pain. They also helped me see that I was using my pain as a crutch. The pain and my injury had become my identity. And I realized I didn't want to be that person. I made the conscious decision to really work on my pain and myself, to be okay with saying: "you know what, my knees feel okay today". I started to gain back my confidence and my identity as a human being! Sports and volleyball were not who I was, it was something I played, something I was good at, but I am actually so much more.
In your work, have you seen many athletes go through this type of struggles?
Unfortunately my story is not unique and so many athletes struggle with physical and mental pain after their career. They struggle with not achieving their goals or their best and feeling like failures. They don't know where to go next and how to find new passions in their lives. They struggle to find a way to truly enjoy their sport after their competitive career is over. When I finally overcame my struggles I couldn't help but ask myself: "what would it have been like if I was exposed to some of this info and care earlier in sporting career?" Ultimately, this question and my experiences led me to start my own clinic where I provide guidance to athletes, from teens to adults, who feel frustrated with aches and pains that are keeping them from fully reaching their potential and competing in their sport. I work with them so they can overcome those injuries and continue to confidently play the sport or activity they love.